When you become a parent, your life changes pretty dramatically. Children require so much attention, care, love, and guidance, that you can easily become completely lost in fulfilling all of their needs and wants. All too often, parents forget about taking care of themselves because they are so focused on taking care of their children! I know this is something I struggle with all the time; I just want the best for my kids, even if it’s at the cost of my sanity.
When you have a child with special needs, these changes became amplified. Parents of children with autism can feel these effects much more deeply than those who have neurotypical children. Children with ASD often have specific needs, and meeting those needs takes extra time, money, and energy. Normal parent worries are amplified when a child has ASD, causing stress levels to skyrocket.
After working with many families of children with autism, I have seen parents who take time for themselves and parents who don’t. I’d love to share a story from my practice (without using real names or identifying details, of course) to highlight how much of an impact self-care can have.
Jessica and her son Derek started working with me after she had concerns about her son’s attention span. He would jump from one activity to another, and never stayed with any one thing long enough to really play. Ever since Derek was young, Jessica had stayed home with him, dedicating every moment of her day to his needs and wants. She wanted the best for him, and signed him up for every therapy out there and many extracurriculars. Each week, Derek spent about 15 hours in school, 30 hours in various therapies, and 10 hours in other activities. Every time they came to my appointments, she was wearing something dirty, unshowered, and was clearly very tired. When I asked her if she had done the things I recommended the previous session, she would often tell me that she forgot, and there were just too many things going on. She was frazzled and stressed, was not taking care of herself, and it showed.
After a while, our sessions became more about me helping her with time management and balancing their activities, rather than specific child-focused therapies. At first she was resistant, since she felt that MORE was really going to be BETTER (more classes, more therapies, more structured activities). I taught her than while it doesn’t always look like Derek is paying attention, he is watching her every move and picking up on her moods. It was clear that her high stress was affecting him. I worked with both of them on tools for self-calming and prioritizing activities. After a while, Jessica started taking my advice and decreased some of the activities they were doing, which gave her some time to breath during the day. Soon after, she started coming to her appointments clean and well rested. It wasn’t long after these changes that I was able to start making really good gains with Derek!
This story really highlights how YOUR stress levels and general attitude and mindset can affect your child. If you don’t take care of yourself, it negatively affects both YOU and your child.
My work with autistic children and their parents has taught me a great deal, and I understand and respect the unique stressors that these parents face. Some of the main stressors that autism parents regularly deal with include:
Guilt. This can come in many forms. I’ve heard from parents who actually blame themselves for their child’s autism! Other parents struggle with the guilt of not being able to provide enough for their child, or guilt over balancing their children’s needs, especially when one sibling has ASD and one does not.
Fear. Many children with ASD may not have an appropriate sense of fear, making even the most run-of-the-mill errand fraught with danger. There is also a lot of fear for the future, where parents grapple with the unknowns: what is going to happen to my child as an adult? Will they have a job or a family? What will they do when I am no longer able to take care of them?
Relationships. Family relationships, especially marriages, can struggle in the face of having an autistic child. Married couples rely on each other to make sure the household runs smoothly and the children are cared for; having an autistic child who needs constant supervision can force parents to “divide and conquer,” leaving little time for each other. Having family members who may not understand the struggles of having an autistic child can put added stress on those relationships; parents may feel judged or unsupported, leading to strained relationships with family members.
Because of these stressors, it is very important that autism parents take the time to practice self-care. Prioritizing yourself may feel selfish, and sometimes downright impossible, but the more stressed out you are, the harder parenting your autistic child feels. And the harder it feels, the higher your stress levels. It’s a vicious cycle, and it can have negative consequences. Higher stress levels can lead to health problems, depression, social withdrawal, and more. And although it may seem impossible, it is imperative that you take time for yourself regularly. Just like they tell you on the airplane: put your own oxygen mask on first before helping your child! Today I’d like to share with you three easy ways that you can prioritize self-care as an autism parent.
Ask For Help and Be Specific! Many people really want to help, but often don’t know what they can do. The best thing that you can do in this situation is to take people up on their offer, ask for exactly what you need, and get it on the schedule. For example, if someone says, “Let me know if you ever need help with the kids,” you can respond by saying “Great! Can you watch them next Tuesday at 4pm while I get a haircut?” If someone doesn’t feel comfortable watching your autistic child, but still wants to help, don’t be afraid to ask for help with errands! Having someone pick up a couple of groceries for you can really help with your stress level on a busy week night when going to the store feels daunting.
Use Respite Care. Respite care, which is essentially short term care for a child or adult that requires regular care, can be life saving for autism parents who don’t have family or close friends nearby who are available or able to watch their child. There are many options available, and it will take a little research to find one that fits your needs. I suggest starting on the Autism Speaks website. Some other websites that may be helpful include: The In Home Support Services Program (for residents of CA) and the American Advocacy Group. Many parents may find that setting up a regular routine for care (like every week at the same time) can really help them to plan ahead and stay positive and refreshed. Knowing that you have a break coming up can really help you make it through harder days. Use the time you have to do something that you enjoy, like going to a coffee shop to read, or taking a walk with a friend.
Seek Out Positive Support Systems. Having the support of people who uplift you, rather than drag you down, is really important. Whether you participate in a specific autism parent support group, or you rely on friends outside of the “autism circle,” seek out those people who make you feel good and bring positivity in your life. This may mean having coffee once a week with a good friend and NOT talking about things related to autism, or it may mean attending a weekly support group where you can vent all of your frustrations and struggles. Or a mix a both! The point is, you need to find people who make you feel better, not worse. If you are local to the San Jose area, check out the Parents Helping Parents page for information on support groups.
Taking time for yourself can feel overwhelming, but you can start small. For the next week, try doing just ONE thing for yourself each day. Some things that I like include:
Taking a relaxing bath. You need to bathe at least a few times a week anyway, so pick one day where you can spend at least 30 minutes in the tub relaxing. I personally am a huge fan of bath balms. They smell great and make the water pretty. Sometimes I even have my kids make them for me using these kits!
Waking up early. While I am not a morning person, I have found that when I get up before my kids and get a little quiet time in, I am so much more ready for my day. I am a huge coffee fan (bordering on an addiction), so I enjoy some coffee during my quiet time. Do something special for yourself and get a good coffee for yourself. I love the idea of this subscription coffee box which makes me try something new all the time.
At Home Spa. I remember before having kids when I was able to spend a few hours at the spa, but that is just not possible now! After spending all day running after kids, a good rub down feels so luxurious! I recently bought this massager for myself, since my husband just doesn’t understand why playing with the kids can be so physically exhausting! You could also try a foot spa, a soothing face mask, or an at-home manicure kit with your favorite nail polish. Even taking 30 minutes to do one of these activities can really recharge your spirits!
Being the parent of a child with ASD is hard, and it is important to get the support that you need so that you don’t burn out! If you are struggling and would like to set up a free consultation to discuss your concerns, please reach out! I would love to help you determine your child’s (and your!) individual needs. We are here to support you as you help your child blossom!
Do you have any strategies for self-care as an autism parent? Please join us in our FREE Facebook community to share. We would love to have you in our community!
