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If you’re the parent of a little one, there is no doubt that you’ve heard these familiar lines:
“But I had it first!”
“It’s my turn!”
“He took it from me!”
“I said NO!”
Young children aren’t yet equipped to deal with social conflicts in a productive way, and often resort to yelling, crying, or even worse, being physically aggressive. As a parent or caregiver, it can be hard to know what you should be doing helping your toddler navigate conflict effectively. It can be helpful to know what you’re dealing with in terms of development, so let’s take a look at a toddler’s typical social-emotional development.
Ages 1-2
Children this age are often exposed to a wide range of people and activities. This is the age when they begin to gain a greater sense of self-awareness. During this stage, children typically:
- Can recognize themselves in the mirror
- Play independently
- Attempt to “help” you around the house
- Copy adult actions
- Show negative emotions such as anger and frustration
- Begin to show signs of assertiveness, even attempting to direct the actions of those around them
Ages 2-3
As children grow from babies into older toddlers, you will see them becoming more creative and confident. During this stage, children typically:
- Can identify themselves as a boy or a girl
- Attempt to dress and undress themselves
- Show preferences about activities, toys, or food
- Say “No” to adults
- Engage in and enjoy playing with other children
- Can be possessive over their own toys or books
- Use various objects to represent other objects during play (for example, using a banana as a phone)
- Have rapid mood changes
As you can see, there is a significant amount of development happening during this time. Easy going babies can quickly turn into stubborn, self-assured 2-year-olds who have trouble sharing and don’t like being told what to do! But before you panic and cancel your next playdate, here are some tips for helping your toddler navigate conflict:
Let Conflict Happen
It can be so tempting to jump in and solve the problem before your child has a chance to even try. Attempt to remain calm and resist the urge to fix things! As a conflict begins to unfold, observe each child’s reaction. Sometimes children can navigate these things on their own, without intervention. If there is a chance that a conflict could turn physical, or that someone could get hurt, it’s important to intervene as calmly as possible.
Remain Calm
It’s important to model for children that conflict will never be resolved through screaming, hitting, or crying. Take a deep breath and speak calmly when helping your toddler navigate conflict. Modeling this behavior will show little ones what to do. Encourage them to take a deep breath as well, or use other calming down strategies before attempting to work through the conflict. Speak in a gentle, quiet voice, and say something like: “I can’t understand you when you are crying. Can you take a deep breath and make your voice sound like mine?”
Sportscasting
This is a great technique that can help ensure that you aren’t taking sides, or shaming children for their actions. Simply observing children’s reactions and giving them words for their feelings can help children learn how to process them. For example, if your child is playing with a truck and his friend takes it out of his hands, causing him to start crying, you can say: “Tommy took the truck that you were playing with. You seem sad.” And to Tommy, you can say: “You really wanted to play with that truck, and you were tired of waiting so you took it.”
Ask Questions
This can be helpful, as it gets children to participate in the resolution process and models for them how to solve problems. Instead of telling children exactly what to do, ask questions to help lead them to a solution. For example, in the above situation, you could ask your child: “When do you think you will be done playing with the truck so that Tommy can have a turn?’ And to Tommy, you could say, “What could you do while you wait for a turn with the truck?” This allows children some autonomy over the solution, which will increase the likelihood that they will see it through! This is a great tip in helping your toddler navigate conflict.
Reflect
Sometime after the initial conflict has passed and been resolved, take time to talk to your little one about what happened and how it was handled. Talking through a difficult moment after it has passed often results in an easier conversation, rather than trying to revisit it when emotions are still running high. Starting statements with words like “I noticed….” to talk about their actions can be better than passing judgment on what they said or did. For example, “I noticed that you got really upset when Tommy took your truck, and you tried to hit him.” Asking questions at this point can be helpful as well, like “What do you think would have happened if you hit him?”
There are also a number of wonderful children’s books on the subject. I’ve shared a few favorites below!
I hope that these tips on helping your toddler navigate conflict benefit both you and your toddler! If you try any of these strategies, let us know in our FREE Facebook community! We would love to have you join us.
As always, if you have concerns about your child’s development and would like to set up a free consultation to discuss your concerns, please reach out! I would love to help you determine your child’s individual needs. We are here to support you as you help your child blossom!
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